How to Survive Holiday Conversations (Even with Your Crazy Uncle)

The holidays bring people together, but they can also lead to tense conversations with loved ones about politics, identity, or values. We asked Carnegie Young Leaders whose projects focus on dialogue and connection to share their best tips for having real, respectful discussions with family and friends this season.

Ryan Gans

Ryan is creating space for members of the Florida State University and Tallahassee community to engage in respectful discussions.

What has your project taught you?
In order to have a successful conversation, your focus should not be on trying to change someone’s mind or prove them wrong. Rather, your focus should be on engaging in honest dialogue and truly listening to what someone else has to say. Your goal should not be to be “correct” but rather to understand what someone believes and why they believe that.

Any advice for navigating hard convos with family?
Remember that, regardless of our beliefs, we are all still Americans. Despite our disagreements, we want what is best for ourselves, our family, and our country. Just because we may disagree on what that vision looks like does not make us any less American and certainly does not make your loved ones less important to you.

Roshan Hoban

Roshan is building a national network of high school civics clubs to help young people talk across differences.

What has your project taught you?
Using basic values like love or acceptance as a foundation works best to ground difficult discussions and work towards common ground.  My project is all about having discussions with students through Civics Clubs and Civic Education, so this advice is invaluable.  I’ve had the privilege to learn from numerous students about the values that shape their beliefs and behavior, and have found that this is an effective way of initiating conversation.

Any advice for navigating hard convos with family?
Remember that people are more than their political beliefs. I find it helpful to constantly remind myself that my loved ones are still family.  Not only does this prevent estrangement, but it allows the type of empathy needed to communicate across party lines.

Patricia Mathu

Patricia is hosting community dinners in rural IL to bring together different political perspectives on agriculture and food systems.

What has your project taught you?
Generative conflict sees diverging viewpoints as an opportunity to grow and deepen, rather than destroy, relationships. This is a key tenet for how I try to approach my work as a scholar, organizer, and community member. When I am entering conversations across differences, I try to carry similar optimism and generosity towards the people I disagree with.

Any advice for navigating hard convos with family?
When you engage in dialogue, you’re opening yourself up to the possibility of being transformed, as well as the opportunity to transform others. My advice, therefore, is to stay open to this possibility. Mutual exchange is hard, but so rewarding.